Frequently, couples come to therapy feeling disconnected from each other, bored in their relationship, like workmates or business partners running the business of their family. They report coming home from work each night to the same routine: cook dinner, clean up, watch television, feed the pets, get the kids in bed, then rinse and repeat. Couples often complain that just taking care of these daily activities uses up their last bit of energy, so finding time for themselves, each other, or play is non-existent unless it involves the children. As a result, couples don’t talk with each other about their work, thoughts, or dreams. They don’t make time to connect. On weekends, it's more of the same with extra household chores mixed in. They ask, "Is this all there is?" My answer is a resounding "No!" To reconnect, couples must rediscover the power of play. While it's great for couples to play with their kids, it's also important that they add play back into their relationship. Play can be a tremendous source of intimacy and friendship. It can be the glue that holds a couple together when the going gets tough.
Why play?
One of the great things about adding play back into your relationship is that it puts you in sync with those around you, says Dr. Stuart Brown. Play enhances mood and a sense of well-being by firing off endorphins—what better time for those endorphins to fire than when you are engaging with the person you love? There’s a saying often attributed to Donald Hebb, a Canadian psychologist: “neurons that fire together, wire together.” In terms of your relationship, wouldn’t it be wonderful to have your brain associate joy and fun with your partner? This helps weather the relationship challenges that are sure to arise. Along these lines, Dr. Brown says that “people who play together, stay together,” as it leads to emotional intimacy.
Play can also improve your mood, reduce feelings of depression and anxiety, and lead to
happiness and a sense of well-being. It can alleviate boredom, increase optimism, and, of course, it is inherently fun!
The biggest opposition I hear from couples is that they don’t have time for play. They are busy working and taking care of their kids. I understand this concern, but I must say that taking time to relax and have fun can enhance performance at work and increase creativity. As parents, one of the best things we can do for our children is to model a strong relationship and good self-care.
What is your relationship play personality?
When I mention play, many couples think I mean playing sports, board games, or video games together. These are certainly some ways to play but there are also many other ways for couples to play together. In Stuart Brown, MD’s book Play: How it Shapes the Brain, Opens the Imagination, and Invigorates the Soul, he identifies eight different play personalities in adulthood:
The Joker: Enjoys lighthearted play through jokes and humor.
The Kinesthetic: Loves physical activity and movement.
The Explorer: Thrives on discovering new places, ideas, and experiences, whether through travel, books, or classes.
The Competitor: Finds joy in competitive games and challenges.
The Director/Planner: Enjoys organizing events and activities.
The Collector: Finds pleasure in gathering and organizing collections.
The Creator: Loves making things, from art to inventions.
The Storyteller: Enjoys creating, hearing, and sharing stories.
These categories can expand our understanding of play. For instance, being an Explorer does not just mean traveling; it can also mean learning and exploring through books and classes. Reflecting on these categories can help you and your partner identify your unique play personality as a couple and find new ways to play within the relationship.
My husband and I share Kinesthetic and Storyteller personalities. To satiate our Kinesthetic
parts, we enjoy daily walks, swimming, and occasional tennis or dancing. To fulfill our
Storyteller sides, we enjoy frequent movie dates, live theater, and what we call our “nerd dates,” where we visit bookstores, search for new books, and read side-by-side. We also talk and share the story of our days.
How can you and your partner add more play into your lives?
A great place to start is for you and your partner to talk about the things you used to enjoy
together when your relationship was new. This may be different from the things you enjoy doing on your own. So, really think about and remember what you enjoyed doing as a couple. For instance, our relationship play styles are Kinesthetic and Storyteller, but individually, my husband is much more of a creator than I am. Simply talking about past joys can help rekindle those good feelings.
When thinking about how to add play back into your relationship, remember that play is done for its own sake, not to achieve a goal. It is something that both of you are drawn to and look forward to doing together when you are completely free to choose. Play should be fun, and it’s an added plus if you both feel "in flow" while playing, which means you are engaged, and time may even vanish.
Once you have identified your couple's play style, make a list of small and large activities that you can do together to reintroduce play into your lives. It may be as simple as taking a walk together each morning, cooking dinner together each night, or having a date day once a week.
It can also be fun and invigorating to add in other types of play so that you and your partner can explore and expand your fun zone. And remember, “laughter is the best medicine,” so as you approach adding play into your relationship, keep it light. You don’t have to be perfect! Just start playing together!
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